Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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