I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
