Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
