Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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