I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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