I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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