Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize