I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
