He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
