but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
