What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
