I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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