Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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