i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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