I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
