hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
