if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
