you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
