why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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