There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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