hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
