it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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