I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Text me some of your sweat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
