at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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