he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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