I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
