my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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