So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
