I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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