Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
