So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
