Sry I called you an 8
Where is the hickey?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Congratulations! We have a period
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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