i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
