i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My pussy is not your playground.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
