I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
