Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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