Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
