I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
