John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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