sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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