Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
