do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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