Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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