I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
