dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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