I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
