After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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