I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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