i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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