Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
