i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Where is the hickey?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
