I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
