Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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