a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
