did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize