My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
