I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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