I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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