I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
