My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
They have beer where we have blood.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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