next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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