Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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