the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
