I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
