I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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