Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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