id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
