dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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