I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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