i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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