First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
