I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
